Time and Place

It’s amazing how two countries can seem so much like worlds apart. I can’t figure out how they exist in the same place. When I remember my home, it seems like it was a different lifetime. Working in the hospital, driving down the road in my car to wherever I wanted, or even if it was just to drive.

Our trip here has been so beautiful and so hard. It is nothing and everything that we expected all wrapped up into one. It is hard to be in a different culture, a different place and time. But the things that make it hard are the things that make it perfect.

When we packed up our home and all of our belongings we were setting out for new adventures and new experiences. We got all of that! We have seen some beautiful parts of the country, we have also seen some hard things. The way that poverty, hunger, and disparity can rule. It is not fair, and at times I feel helpless in it.

We have met so many wonderful people and heard such beautiful stories. Stories of hope, creativity, struggle, and breakthrough! We have many more stories yet to hear and to share.

This has been so good and so hard. I think when we step out of our comfort zones and have time to think and reflect we can see ourselves so clearly. Some things I have found I have liked, other things within me need a little work. Stretching has a way of bringing out our true selves. We have had much time to think, reflect, and to pray. I have loved those moments of quiet without the craziness of our life back home. In the quiet morning as the rooster crows, the children sing, and the sun peaks over the horizon I have done much soul searching and question asking. I have found many answers, as well.

Even in tough moments, I have tried to remind myself to be present. Waiting at the border for someone to pick us up, I reminded myself to take in the sights and sounds of the culture I love. Car broken down along the side of the road- a moment in time to create friendships with those around me. Sometimes it just takes perspective, and your life can change.

We are now staying in Nairobi following up on a few connections and meeting some new people. Though the challenges of cold showers, and limited internet are behind us, new ones arise, but I am asking for grace in the moment. Some how, it always shows up.

I cannot write about this trip without acknowledging the faithfulness of Savior God. He has been with us every step of the way, guiding, directing, and giving us grace. He has also put many things on our heart that we will continue to pursue throughout the coming years. If anything this trip has given us the time to sit and think and discover who we are and where we are going. Something that the busy world kept us from.

Here in the land of warm sun, and ripe mangoes I am free. I feel more free now that I have felt in years. Though life is not nearly as easy or convenient, it is slow and beautiful. Friends sit down to tea, have conversations along the road, and give one another time just to be. That is such a beautiful thing- just being. It is something I have enjoyed the most. Friendships here are deep and lasting, not based on catching up on Facebook, but based on living life together.

This trip has been beautiful, hard, and everything in between. I would not trade the lessons I have learned, though, for anything in the world. These stories and memories have become a part of us. That shape who we are today, and will impact who we will be tomorrow. Here’s to more memories, more adventures, and many more lessons to learn.

“I've started to look at life differently. When you're thanking God for every little you - every meal, every time you wake up, every time you take a sip of water - you can't help but be more thankful for life itself, for the unlikely and miraculous fact that you exist at all.”
― A.J. Jacobs

These I Will Never Forget

Looking back over the past year I am amazed at the diversity of life. For the past several years I have worked as an oncology nurse. Working with those patients was one of the most difficult and rewarding things I have ever done. Daily I was confronted with death and dying. It was both heart-wrenching and beautiful. I have learned so much from working with the dying and from sharing very intimate moments with them and their families.

I have learned the importance of family and surrounding yourself with those whom you love and that love you. I have learned that you can never tell anyone how much you love and appreciate them too much. And I have learned what true love looks like, and it was not always what I expected it to be.

One patient, sitting in her bed looking at pictures of her life, told me to be myself, no matter what. She said it is something I would never regret. She also told me to eat lots of chocolate :)

I have learned to dance, laugh, love, and enjoy life for we never know how many days are left. I have also learned that simple acts of kindness go a long way. Just sitting with someone in a quiet moment, saying a prayer with them, or offering them a warm blanket or a cup of coffee can speak so much louder than words

I have learned the power of faith and of prayer. I have been in many a room where a prayer for healing was not answered, but one for peace was tangibly felt. Though there was sadness and broken hearts, the peace was overwhelming. God had them all in His hands.

I have said goodbye to too many patients far too soon, and watched their families pick up the pieces of their lives when they were gone. I will never forget those lessons I have learned and will never forget the patients that taught them to me.

Life has brought me a huge change in this season. Now I spend my days filming children. It is the opposite spectrum of life. The children, however, are not a stranger to death, for they have lost their parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. They know far too well that it is a part of life. They, however, are not defined by it.

The children and strong, healthy, and full of life and daily they teach me that life is fragile, but it is worth living to the fullest. They teach me to not let your circumstances define you and to enjoy the zest of life. Every morning I wake up to singing and am later greeted by hundreds of smiling faces. They work hard and play even harder and laughter is always on their lips.

They do not cease to amaze me. I am astounded by their kindness, their wisdom, and their joy.

I have seen the whole spectrum of life this year, and I am still amazed by the people I have met and the lessons I have learned. Their lessons will stay with me forever and their faces will always be in my heart. I am forever grateful for those I have laughed with, prayed for, and cried over. The patients they have gone before me and the children that will go behind me. These I will never forget.

Hello 25!

It has been another wonderful year, a year of growing, loving, and living. Another year of being married, of being a nurse, and in learning to be fully content in who God has made me to be.

I am coming up on my 25th birthday in November. 25. Wow! Time flies! I am amazed by thing things I have seen and experienced in the last 5 years! I have truly grown up. The first 5 years of my twenties have brought me stretching and more joy than I ever could have imagined! I was truly a time of soul searching, and a time of discovering who I really am. I started out my twenties living at home working at Starbucks and wondering what on earth I was doing. I had just come back from YWAM, living the dream and now wondered what was next. That was when a wonderful woman put the bug in my ear for Tanzania. I dreamed of adventure, of elephants, far reaching horizons, and the beautiful faces of children. My dreams were grand, but I had not idea it would defy all expectations. I arrived on that beautiful continent excited for adventure, but what I found was so much more than that. I felt a deep connection with the Kuria people and met the man to whom I would give my heart. I found love. Those six months were some of the most enchanting, difficult, soul wrenching days of my life. But I felt more love and gave more of myself that I probably ever had before.

After those extraordinary days in Africa, I came home and began to follow my dream of becoming a nurse. An apartment in Lancaster, my head in my books, and coffee fulling my passion to learn. There I met my true soul sisters, Elya and Camille. They listened to my dreams of Africa, my heart for Mwita, and my struggles with the hardships of nursing school. I shared my heart with them and they shared theirs with me, and we were the best of friends. I owe much of my sanity during that time to them. Two passionate women with a desire to help those that are hurting and a longing to serve the Lord.

During this time I learned about perseverance and joy from my parents. Though their plans changed and they had to adjust, the did not give in or give up. They put a smile on their faces and a song on their heart. I have never met stronger people or people I admired more. Strong and determined they carried on, and I sat back in awe of them all along the way. I also applaud them for allowing me to follow my dreams. Though at times my plans seemed impossible, they never told me that. They encouraged me and helped me to make those dreams a reality! The best parents in the world!

During the last five years, I also became an aunt, one of the greatest joys of my life! Natalie, Amirah, Brielle, Xander, and new baby Ryder! They are my pride and joy! Their parents aren’t too bad themselves :)

The most beautiful thing that has happened in the last five years has been embarking on the greatest voyage of all, marriage! We have learned, grown, laughed, endured hardship, and loved one another all along the path of these last two years. This July we celebrated two years in lovely Williamsburg! Two years of love. Two years of joy. I am convinced that marriage is the best thing there is!

These past five years have also brought me some of the most stretching and at times, sad days of my life as I learned what it meant to be an oncology nurse. I have laughed with some patients, cried with others, and have held some people’s hand as they said goodbye to this earth. I have had to deal with my emotions up close and personal and have had to work through some very serious things on a daily basis. I am proud to be an oncology nurse and love everything about it, especially watching how my patients refuse to let cancer steal their joy. I hate cancer, but they are my heroes and I am privileged to fight alongside of them. This August I was so proud to take my test and become an Oncology Certified Nurse. I am proud to wear that title, because I am proud to fight for oncology patients. I have absolutely found my calling.

These are just some of the highlights of these past few years. The joys and triumphs of life. I look forward to saying hello to 25. I cannot wait to see what the next five years have in store. Stay tuned, there will be many more adventures to come!

The Here and Now

Ever ask God over and over to show you His plan, His purpose for you, the next step in your great adventure when you were where you needed to be all along? I am futuristic by nature. Strength Finder calls it a gift, I often refer to it as impatience...but that is me through and through. I am always looking for what’s next! What is my next step in my career, what degree should I pursue now, what is my five year plan, where do I want to be in ten years, what will happen when I am forty years old. I can’t get it out of my head! Though it is great because it means I relish change, look forward to new beginnings and thrive on challenges, it also means I find it hard to present, to be now.

When we got married it was a whirlwind! Graduate from nursing school, move back to Chambersburg, take NCLEX, plan a wedding, get married, go on a honeymoon, move straight from the honeymoon to Lynchburg, learn how to be married, oh and start your first nursing job all in the course of a summer! Futuristic? Yea I was thriving. And then it slowed down, I got into the groove of things, it became familiar, and then...mundane. (Except for the marriage part, nothing mundane about that!!!)

And I found myself asking why, how? How did we end up here in Lynchburg, no deep connections, no roots. How did I get here and why did I do it? Is this really part of the great plan. I kept asking these questions, to myself, to Mwita, and to God.I got antsy, I got restless, and then I got plain annoyed. I began begging for the next stop. God answer me and show me why! And God reveled it all to me in that loving but knowing way He does. He made it clear that I had missed it all along. I am here for lessons that I have learned from having only my husband to rely on. For months we knew hardly a soul and there was nobody to rely on next door. I learned deep trust in my husband, deep faith in his abilities, and deep love for his heart. And then God reveled to me that I am here for the job that I love so dearly and for the opportunity to work with what I truly believe is the best group of nurses in the world. I am here to learn about cancer, to learn to hate it, and fight it, and give my patients all I’ve got. I am here to cultivate my life’s dream for wholeness and restoration in those that are hurting, or sick or alone. I am here for the opportunity to finish my education and thanks to my job having to pay only a fraction of the cost, I am here to chase the vision of my pastors and to let their words and their prayers penetrate my heart. To allow them to impart the things of God into my life. I am here because of the fourteen people that sat in our tiny living room last night sharing their dreams and visions and promising to walk alongside of us in marriage and in life. These dear people with such wisdom and passion inside. I am here to learn, here to grow, and here to cultivate patience. I am here to dream about my future, but to live in my now. I am here because God has placed me here. And today I am content knowing just that.

Hold on to Hope

After the hustle and bustle of Christmas, there is something about the new year that is so new, fresh and clean! I love January! My house is back to its clean, simple lines, my kitchen is purged of sugar and butter and fresh fruit and vegetables fill my fridge. The cool, crisp air brushes across my face and I feel new and free. A time to reflect back on the year behind with all its joys, triumphs and trials! A trip to Tanzania, weddings upon weddings of our friends, celebrating our first year of marriage, becoming chemo certified and fighting my way through this past semester as my first time being a full time nurse and student. Though it had its struggles, what a great year!

Two thousand thirteen seems so far in the future. What happened to the 90s…weren’t they just the other year? Though we don’t have any grand cross-continent trips planned for this year, we are so excited about what it holds! This year’s theme is to “set the foundation.” The past year and half we have been in newlywed phase, starting our careers and just getting to know each other and figuring out how being a married couple works. It has been one of the greatest learning adventures of my life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way! This year, though, we are ready to prepare for our next leap of faith! We are setting the foundation in all areas of our life, so when this season is over, we are prepared for what the next one has in store. Financially, spiritually, relationally, professionally….we are laying down the building blocks…setting ourselves up for what is next! Though we are not exactly sure on the details, we have been dreaming, talking and praying and seems like some great adventures are ahead…stay tuned to find out more.

Hold onto hope…this phrase has been ringing in my ears these past few days. With all of the sad global events and negativity in the world around us, my soul has been resounding with the need to hold onto hope. Hope for me is seeing a picture of my aunt, smile spreading across her cheeks as she finished her last chemo treatment, hope has been watching my Grandma sit back and relax at Christmas watching with pride how her family has grown, hope has been watching a patient in the hospital for weeks walk out the door just before the holidays, hope has been seeing my husband follow his dreams and watching God open up amazing doors of opportunity for him. Hope has been hearing my pastor, passionate about the new year and what God has called our church to do. Hope has been buying books for my next semester, knowing I have the ability to finish up my degree, hope has been watching my father being strong and courageous; setting out on a new path while my mom supported him and cheered him along the way! Hope has been watching my sisters, the great women I grew up with, being mothers – raising beautiful kids. Hope has been reading “Half the Sky” watching women overcome great adversity to change their circumstances and the circumstances of women around them. Hope is in the promise of spring, knowing that in a few short months the cold will blow away leaving room for warm breezes and daffodils. There is hope in the everyday if we choose to look for it. Hope in dreams, ideas, stories and plans. Hope in friendships, sharing laughs and talking about what the future has in store. Hope is there if we look for it, it’s begging us to seek it out. Hope for tomorrow for the sun to rise again, hope for a better, brighter, and more beautiful day!

Psalm 71:14
But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.

Wanted

I’ve been home for several days now and have been trying to get my words together, but they elude me. I’ve been asked multiple times… “how was your trip.” “Great,” is my typical answer….how can I encompass in a few words what it was like to be back in the land I love and fell in love. Enchanting, mesmerizing, enthralling…they would all describe it better. I’ve been trying to get my words together…so here we go.

Simply put, these past two weeks have been pure bliss…I never quite knew what it was like to be in love with a place until I went there. But now I understand completely. Every breeze rustling the leaves, every rain drop, ever flower, smiling face and dirt path is captivating. I just truly love it there.

The night we arrived at the City of Hope followed a nine hour bus ride from the heart of Nairobi past the Great Rift Valley, through the tea fields of Kericho to the border town of Sirari. There our friend Zephaniah picked us up and we headed down the bumpy dirt road to Ntagacha…home. When we arrived it was dark, but I could see a huge mass bobbing and twisting…it was the children awaiting our arrival. No more did we step out of the truck, we were mobbed. In the glare of the headlights I couldn’t see a thing, but I knew they were my kids! We had both been waiting for that moment for the last two years.

The next ten days were really a whirlwind! Mwita spent the entire time from morning until night taking photos and video footage for the upcoming projects he is working on. I spent my time renewing friendships and realizing my dream of working in the Tumaini Medical Center.

I remember so clearly walking up to the medical center the first day and was elated to see patients waiting to be seen. That building had stood empty for years, but now it was being put to use. My hours spent praying there had paid off. The best part of all to me is that the very room I prayed in over three years ago is now the room that the doctors are using to consult their patients…that very room out of all the ones to choose from is the functioning part of the hospital!

There are three medical staff working there right now, and to me they are the best in the world! Ben is the residing doctor, Joseph is a nurse midwife and Dennis, a nurse. They are my heroes. They start early in the morning as patients come before heading to the fields, they work into the evening and jump out of bed at the faintest knock on their door. Delivering babies in the dark of the night, saving patients with deep cuts from bleeding out, giving epinephrine just in time to a young boy in anaphylactic shock and providing medicine to countless persons suffering from malaria. Morning to night they do it all! I am so impressed with their dedication to the people of Ntagacha.

When I first arrived and walked down the longest corridor of the hospital the watchman turned and looked at me and said, “look, here is your hospital.” I smiled because he was repeating what I had said countless times in the past. Mine. But something stirred inside of me because it was not that at all. This place had nothing to do with me, and that was ok. Not mine, but theirs.

The most exciting part of my trip was to see how the Tanzanian people had taken over the City of Hope! They were the doctors, managers, administrators, builders, teachers, mechanics and tractor drivers! It was all them! They were happy to see us and more than excited to have us work alongside them, but they did not need us. They had taken the initiative. It had become their City. The children were thrilled to see me, but they did not need me. There were enough things in place! I was not needed, but I was wanted and that was perfect to me!!!

Pioneering is never easy, and Mwita and I were there in the pioneering stage. We were there when we needed to be the jacks of all trades. Here and there we went. Sometimes I had more responsibility than I thought I knew how to handle. I think there could have been nothing more rewarding that seeing what I saw on this trip. That, to me, was the greatest gift I could have received. The City is running like a well-oiled machine.

After spending that first day in the medical center I went home and found myself sitting on the porch later that evening. I sat there watching the rain fall until it splashed and soaked into the red earth. I breathed deep that clean, fresh air and smiled from ear to ear. I was greatly wanted, but not needed. Oh just perfect to me!

Our Trip in Numbers...

(photo taken by my amazing husband, Mwita...check out mwendollc.com)


-400+ smiling students
-4 ornery goats received as gifts
-10 mosquito bites…none resulting in malaria!
-5 airplane rides (including a very tiny 4 seater plane)
-9 hours in a bus from Nairobi to Sirari
-10 baths from a bucket
-2 new stamps on my passport…Kenya & Tanzania
-10 new kangas…though my collection already fills a duffel bag
-6 days working in the medical center
-1 African style wedding celebration
-5 letters received from tiny hands
-100+ kids living at the City of Hope
-2 languages I tried to master…Swahili & Kuria (the tribal tongue)
-3 meals made perfect with chapatti… quite possibly my favorite food
-2 bars of soap received as wedding gifts
-1 child in anaphylactic shock saved
-12 cups of chai…tastes best in Africa
-1 wedding dress stuffed in a suitcase from VA to TZ
-3 walks to the mountain were we got engaged
-1 deafening hail storm atop a tin roof
-350+ gigs of footage taken by Mwita
-15 teachers changing the world
-7688+ miles traveled
-3 amazing doctors to partner with
-400th patient seen in the medical center since opening
-2 Passion Fantas…the best soda in the world!!!
-1 village that stole my heart
-1 “City” bringing hope to a nation
-14 days of pure bliss…


It was a whirlwind trip back to the land we love...and fell in love. Stay tuned...more to come!

Dream Come True

I remember it distinctly, I was 14 years old and I made a trip with my dad and grandfather to Baltimore to see one of the Mercy Ships that was docked there. My sister, Angela, was with the same organization in West Africa and we went to see what her life was like on the ship. I remember sitting in a tiny room onboard and watching a documentary about the doctors working to save lives on ships like that one all across the world. Something about it gripped me, I don’t know if it was the heart wrenching stories, the hope that the patients were given, the enormous size of the tumors they were able to remove or just the thought of being able to commit your life to helping others- but what I do remember is that I felt compelled to do just that. I knew then and there that I wanted to be a doctor in Africa.

It’s funny how seeds are planted in our hearts and minds when we are young, funny how they can lie dormant or even be buried so deep that they cease to live without sunlight. This dream lay dormant in my heart for years. Soon after that trip I entered high school and the life of a journalist or lawyer seemed more intriguing. I had it all planned out. I finally settled on being an English teacher, and that’s what it was going to be. But then there was Advanced Biology class, sitting in the back of that classroom watching a video about fetal development, I was in awe. That day I knew I had to be a nurse. Something from within me began to grow, that little seed had somehow gotten light. From that day forward I planned. I applied to Messiah College, was accepted and planned to attend the next fall.

And then there was Honduras. I truly view that trip as a turning point in my life, it was my first true glimpse that my heart beat for missions. It was not enough for me just to watch the injustice of the world, I needed to be the one in the clinics, orphanages and schools helping. I was the one that had to go. Honduras rocked my world so to speak, and I still have a picture of a little girl that I met there, I look at it often. She, without even knowing it, helped me to become who I needed to be. She will never know the impact she had. I came home from that trip completely wrecked. I knew I had to do something different; I signed up to go with Youth With A Mission for the next year. My story weaves in and out from there, should I staff at YWAM, should I go directly to the mission field? And then I heard of the City of Hope and we all know how it goes from there.

I fell in love with a people, a country, and most especially a boy! As I was taking a walk through my favorite park the other day and just thinking about this trip to come, I realized the dream of a much younger me, one dreamt on a cold windy day on a rocking ship in the Baltimore harbor. I dream that I had forgotten until then. But that little dream did not stop growing. I was rained upon on Tanzania and the sunlight of a love for nursing shown down on it and here I am just a week away from boarding a plane to Africa, stethoscope in hand, nursing license behind me…boarding a plane on a medical missions trip to Africa. Forgotten, buried, pushed aside, but now come to light. A dream come true. Can’t wait to tell you all about it!

Trusting

I love how marriage has taught me so many lessons and has brought a magnifying glass into my life. I am thankful for a husband that loves me for who I am, but also helps me see the things within myself that need changing. This past week he taught me a great lesson…trust.

I am naturally a compassionate person, I see hurt or need and I automatically want to rush into the situation and fix everything and heal everyone, thought that makes me a good nurse, it often makes me an overwhelmed person when I look at all the need in the world. And it hurts most when it hits close to home.

Over the past several months I have watched many people that I love and cherish go through difficult situations. It is my natural desire to what to fix the problem, change the situation- step in and intervene, but along with this feelings of take over, I have also felt overwhelmed. I was sharing this with Mwita almost in tears with the utter helplessness I was feeling. He just looked at me and said, “Monica, you have to trust them.” I stared back at him. There was not 5 step solution, no lengthy plan, just a few simple words. It was a revolutionary thought. Trust. Trust that they have a plan, trust that they will be ok, trust that they are in good Hands. Trust.

These few words also hit me hard though. I realized that sometimes my desire to help and intervene, though made with good intentions, was not always about compassion, but about control. I caught a glipse of so many areas of my life. When plans changed and I am SO disappointed- control. When I have to work on a group project and rely on others- control. When Mwita is the one to make the plans and I have to know every detail- control. When God leads me in one direction and I prefer the other- control. All my life my desire for control has been sabotaging my ability to trust, and it has been disguising itself all along.

The word trust has been constantly on my mind since that day, for years I have allowed my need for control to dictate myself, my relationship and my oneness with God. I have allowed it to take over and remove my ability to trust.

I think that this area has become an epidemic in our society. We are taught to be so independent, so able to fight our all of the battles and control our own lives and in the mean time, we forget that others are capable too. This has impacted our relationships with others and our ability to rely on the only One that really has things under control. We try to control everyone else and every other situation, but don't allow others to help us...because we want the power.

This year I am going to make a journey toward trust. Trust in other people. Not that I am going to forget those around me that are in need, but in a way that I would gladly help where I can, but without trying to take control of the situation. I am also in a journey to trust in God. I long for a trust that I can know without a shadow of a doubt that He truly is in control and has our best in mind. I long to be at the place where I can rest in the fact that ultimately I, and those I love are in His hands and He has a plan. I know it in my head, but I am longing for it to sink into my heart. I trust that it will.

This is my open heart to you all, my admittance that I am certainly not perfect, and my challenge to you all to join me on my journey towards trust.

I know it will revolutionize my marriage, my relationships and my faith in God.

Isaiah 26:4 Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.

Tanzania Bound!!!

Every since we confirmed the news, I have not been able to wipe this smile off of my face! The Chachas are going to Tanzania for two weeks in May!!! I wrote several posts ago that if home is where the heart is, then home for me is spread all across the world, and that little village of Ntagacha definitely houses a big piece of home!

Though I am so excited to reconnect with family and friends and I can't wait to get a big group hug from those kids that I love so much, even more than the fresh mangoes, warm sun and beautiful sound of Swahili, I am excited to see me dream realized-- a working, functioning, Tumaini Medical Center, and as a registered nurse I will be able to help provide the medical care that this village so desperately needs!

Over three years have passed since I sat in that hospital and prayed and dreamed for it to come to reality. Over two years since I had to take a little boy with a nosebleed that would not stop over the bumpy, dusty road to a clinic 45 minutes away. Years since I walked those corridors, sat on the concrete steps and cried "Lord we need this medical center." It's been years and now it's here! We have a wonderful doctor named Ben that Mwita and I had the pleasure of becoming friends with (he treated our stomach aches and illnesses). It is here and I cannot wait to be there!

Though two weeks will be a whirlwind trip, I know I will enjoy every minute of it. From the hustle bustle of the Nairobi airport to the long, roving bus ride across the Rift Valley, from the smiling faces, to the bumpy dirt roads, the fresh pineapple to the rain pattering the tin roof. From the bubbling sound of Swahili, to the children singing their hearts out at night and I cannot wait for every site, sound and experience that Ntagatcha has to offer!

It's been over two years since we have been there. Two years since Mwita and I have seen the family we love. Two years since we have been to the place that we met, grew, learned and fell in love. It's been two years too long!

We are Tanzania bound and not looking back!

Train Tracks

There is a park just down the road from us that feels like a little bit of home to me here in Lynchburg. It is one of the very first places we explored when we first moved here. For some reason that makes it feel familiar. I love walking there, strolling over the hills and feeling the wind in my hair.

My favorite place in the park is where a huge train track bridge juts out over the river hundreds of feet below. It looks to big and powerful looming over the rushing water beneath.

When I take a walk in the park, I always go to that spot hoping, wishing, waiting that the powerful engine will come charging across...it never happens.

One day I was taking a walk and I heard the whistling of the train in the distance! I raced to the spot where I could see the bridge, sat down and waited. The air was full of the sheer power of the train, the tons and tons of metal grinding over the track. It was so loud that it filled the whole valley, it made me shiver. I waited and I watched.

I sat in that place, my eyes glued on the bridge until I realized that instead of getting louder still, and closer, the sheer whistles and mighty roar where slowly getting quiet. I sat there until it was a small hum in the distance.

The train must have taken another path, there must have been another track in the valley near the river, I missed it.

I sat there disappointed, I had so hoped to see the powerful show. But as I sat there I realized the lesson I had learned. And during a time of change for not only me, but many of those I love as well, I realized what a timely lesson it was.


Even though the train did not come roaring across the bridge as I had expected, I could not deny the untamable power of that engine as it's metal wheels clanked down the track. The sheer power made the whole valley hum, I could not see, but I could feel it, I knew it was there.

How often is God like that in our lives. We have a track mapped out for how we think He will guide and intervene. We sit, wait and watch until He comes across the bridge just like we thought He would. But so often He takes a different way. We can't see Him, but we feel Him, we feel His power and we know that He is there. He is just roaring across a track that we did not know existed. He is cutting new paths through the mountain and new tracks by the river. But His presence is undeniable. It gives us shivers as we feel His power, it gives us hope, because we know that He is near.

You can't see Him, but you feel Him, you trust, know and believe that He is near.

New Year!

Here we are again. A new year, full of new possibilities, new prospects, new dreams! I have to say that even though I LOVE Christmas, January is actually one of my favorite months of the year. It's a time to clean up, reflect and start again. What an opportunity we have every year! January always makes me think of motivation, goals and changes...love it!

I have high hopes for 2012, and as good as 2011 was, it may be hard to beat. Graduated from college, passed my boards, got married, moved to VA, started my first nursing job...whoa! But 2012...it's going to be even better!

I have quite a few goals in mind for this year: pay off college loans, become an RNII (my hospitals clinical ladder), become chemo certified, start pursuing my BSN. On a lighter note I also plan on becoming a great cook and having a potted herb garden this summer that I WILL remember to water :)

Though going from being a student to not was quite an adjustment (I didn't get off a month for Christmas...instead I had to work Christmas Day :)I really like the adult life. This January seems especially pleasant. I knew exactly what I was in for. I didn't have new classes, new clinical rotations or new instructors to get used to. In fact nothing really changed at all. It's kind of nice to have that. I knew that when I went into work that it would be exactly like it had been the day and week before. Not that my job is monotonous...it isn't AT ALL. But I'm getting into my groove and most of the time, I know what to expect. There are still some days like last Friday that I wonder what on earth I got myself into...but for the most part I've got my routine and I go about it quite well! I love my job, love being an oncology nurse and love the hospital I work for! Couldn't be more blessed!

One goal that I am really excited about this year is to collect experiences. So often I spend my money buying things, clothes etc, but the newness wears off and to the back of the closets they go, what I want to do instead is collect experiences. I've had quite a few amazing experiences in my life, but they are not enough! I want more. I want to explore every inch of my town and then beyond. I want to try foods I've never tried, go to plays I have never seen, and meet people I never thought I would! These are the types of things you remember when you're 80, not that beautiful red sweater that you wore twice!

I also have in mind to really experience each day. I have my husband to thank for this idea. The last 4 days I have been laying around the house feeling sick. I have a sore throat, cough and headache that I just can't kick! Let's just say that me, mint tea, and Grey's Anatomy have become close friends over the last few days. Today I was telling Mwita about all of the things that I wanted to do, but just don't have the energy to do. He looked at me and told me just to be thankful for these days to read, watch Netflix and just relax. The cleaning, organizing etc will be here when I feel better, but for now just enjoy your day. He is so right! Each day is something to be enjoyed! So often my works days fly by and once again I am laying my head on the pillow or like these past few days I have been sitting here feeling sorry for myself instead of enjoying the time to just sit, think, and rest. I really want to be cognizant of this, because as fast as my life is going these days, I don't want it to pass me by!

So here's to 2012. To all the joys, adventures, blessings and excitement it may hold! Can't wait to see what's in store. New nephew, working hard as I can, trip to TZ to visit friends, and more! I'm ready, are you!?!?!?

Differences

Worlds apart...but friends at heart...

“Differences are not intended to separate, to alienate. We are different precisely in order to realize our need of one another.” --Desmond Tutu

Something about this quote resonates within me, and has, every since I heard those words. Not only do I love the quote, but I have great admiration for the writer, Archbishop Desmond Tutu. He more that anyone else, understood what the dishonoring of differences can entail. An activist and archbishop in South Africa during apartheid. His stand, however, was not for more separation, for more power for his own group, his stand was for “we.” Desmond believed that, “if I diminish you, I diminish myself.” He was not weak, though, in his love. He was an activist for what he believed in, he stood up and he stood out, often making him a target of the hatred he longed to end.

I do not write this, though, to give a history lesson of apartheid or of Desmond Tutu himself, I write this that we may be encouraged to celebrate the differences in one another.

I have long considered myself and open minded person. I have been accepting of people from other races, cultures and backgrounds. I find myself celebrating that type of diversity in others! It was those beautiful children in Tanzania that stole my heart- my light skin against their dark- I never felt more at home.

I was thinking the other day, though, about this quote and about differences, and I realized that it is the outward differences that I find it easy to love. But gender, skin color, ethnicity (etc) are not the things that define us, though a part of use they are not really who we are- it’s the subtle things that differentiate us, and it’s those subtle things that define and delineate. It’s those subtle things that I can find to be hard. Those opinions, ideas, personalities and dreams that we can disagree with and cause us to become undone.

I was thinking about all of the people that I have the ability to influence in my life right now. Family, friends, coworkers, patients, neighbors etc. In my profession I am constantly coming in contact with all types of people, from all types of backgrounds, with all types of personalities. My new goal is to be the person that celebrates the differences in others. I want to applaud the ideas, encourage the personalities and help those dreams to flourish! After all, my Creator did not make us with these differences to separate and alienate, but to work together as one.

I do not believe that we are to be blind to differences, however. They are not to be ignored, but to be celebrated! They are beautiful, exciting and good! Each created for a purpose, each with a promise, each with a destiny to fulfill.

Thank you Desmond Tutu, for standing against apartheid, but thank you also for the many lessons you taught. Thank you especially for celebrating differences and for helping me to realize our need for one another. You probably never realized that your words would resonate with an American girl decades later, but they have! Thank you for standing up, and standing out!

Today I am thankful for each person that has been placed in my life at this time. I am thankful for all that I have to learn from those I meet.

As Desmond Tutu once said, “My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.”



The picture above shows a team created of differences- different countries, backgrounds, ethnicities and ideas all working together for a common goal- the children at the City of Hope.

Mtu ni Watu

"Mtu ni watu" is a Swahili saying that literally states "a person is people." The meaning, though, is that no man is an island, everyone needs the help and company of others.

I love that saying because it ties so much into my passion and mission for life. I want to bring wholeness. Wholeness not only physically in my practice of nursing, but also emotionally and spiritually. I want to be there for my patients, family and friends, to be their "watu".

On my orientation day for my new nursing job, one of the executives came to speak to us. He asked us who was on our "list". Your list is comprised of those people that are your world, your support- those you love more than anything else. We all wrote someone down- husbands, daughters, sisters where named. And then he asked us to stop and remember that every patient we come in contact with is on someone's "list" and if we forget that for even one minute, that is a minute too long. That speech is going to be forever ingrained in my memory, and I plan to keep it as the basis of my practice. Nursing is hard work, 12 hour shifts are long, and seeing ill people day after day can be grueling, but we chose this and we promised to take care of people that are part of someone's "list". We cannot forget, I, for one, will not.

I changed the title of my blog for now- not because my heart no longer beats for Africa- because it surely does, but because for now creating beauty from ashes is my mission. I love that saying- and it is my desire to bring forth beauty where only ashes lay. Nursing is my tool. Bringing forth beauty is my passion. Wholeness is my mission.

I am so excited about starting my first nursing job, and I have chosen Oncology. When people here this they moan and groan..."that will be too hard," "how can you do that," "are you sure that this is for you." I want to tell the world that I am ready, and I am not scared. Oncology is going to be hard, some days I am going to come home and just cry, but it will not all be sad. Some days I am going to see doctors tell patients their cancer is gone, some days I am going to see families hold hands and share their love for one another. Other days I am going to be the only one sitting with a patient as they say goodbye. Some days I will take care of patients as they lose their hair, hear bad news, and decide they cannot go on. Some days the only wholeness I will see is patients leaving this life behind. But I am ready. I did not say it will never be sad. I did not say that some days I will not be overwhelmed. I said I'm ready. I am ready to be a source of joy, peace and comfort. I am ready to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm ready to cry when I need to and laugh with all my heart. I am ready to take on the challenges that this life has for me. I'm ready because I am called, I am chosen, and I have been made for this mission. Beauty from ashes. Wholeness and restoration. Oncology...here I come!

One More Day

This one I must dedicate to the two little girls that bring joy and light to my life, my lovely nieces Natalie and Amirah. Oh how I love being an aunt and how excited I am to meet Baby Lehman #2! They are delighted when I come to visit and absolutely enamored when I bring Mwita along, too! I love watching the concentration on Natalies face, as if playing were as complex as brain surgery. I adore the little squeaky voice that comes from Amirah as she babbles while exploring her world. Their giggles bring delight to my heart, and their smiles create an even bigger one on my face! Oh how I am in love with those two little girls. Pink skirts, baby dolls, and curls!!!

These little girls are the future, they will carry on the legacy of our family. They hold our love, but our hopes and dreams as well! How delighted I am in them, and how thankful I am they will be provided with the love and support they need to grow up strong, wise and beautiful. They are blessed, not only because of the loving parents they were gifted to, but because of the place they have to grow up! I am so thankful when I see how their parents adore them. So hopeful when I see the opportunities they will be afforded! So blessed when I see the books on their bedroom floors, and when I give them a big hug after having a check up with the doctor. I am so in love with these girls!

I feel devastated, though, that not every aunt gets to feel this way. Not every aunt is able to boast about the love and support her nieces and nephews have. Not every aunt gets to watch them come home from the doctor, vaccines given and height and weight checked. Not every aunt gets to pile her nieces on her lap and read them book after book. Not every aunt is as blessed as I.

Last week Mwita and I received some devastating news. A beautiful little friend of ours in Tanzania, about seven years old and bright as can be, will not be able to celebrate his next birthday. I cry for his family, for those that loved him, and thinking of Natalie and Amirah, I cry for his aunts, for they have been as fortunate as I. They will not longer get to watch him run off to school, look into the eyes of his mother as she bursts with pride at her beautiful son. His aunts never had to opportunity that I had to shower him with books, clothes and anything he desired. They did not have the chance to spoil him or to sneak him jelly beans when his mother wasn’t looking. They didn’t have the opportunities that I did, and now they will not. I cry because it is not fair, what if he was here, what if he had the access and opportunity that my nieces have, what if he did- he would probably be here. I cry because I loved his big smile, the dimples that graced his cheeks, and the way he bounded through the field to us to say hello. I miss hearing him scream Mwita’s name as if he were the only other person in the world, I miss that, I have missed that this last year, and I miss that I won’t get to hear that again. I miss him. I miss all that he loved, and I hate the fact that he is gone.

I’m tired of hearing about our economy, about how things “used to be.” And about how, if we just had a little more. We live in warm homes, eat plenty of food, and can buy something to treat a fever right across the road. We are BLESSED!!!! Oh how we are blessed…Please hear my heart, I am not writing to be critical, for I know for many of us, things are tough. But I write to inspire us to see the good we have around us! I’m thankful for the library that Amirah frequents that is right down the road. I am thankful for the cupboard that is stocked with Children’s Tylenol in Natalie’s house. I am thankful for the doctor that gives them the shots they need! If nothing else, may we look at the beautiful children in our lives, as they run and jump and play and thank God for giving them one more day. I’m going to give Natalie and Amirah an extra long hug the next time I see them! I am delighted to be their aunt, delighted by the opportunities they have and delighted that they are growing strong, wise and beautiful. Thank you, God, for one more day.

If home is where the heart is...

If home is where the heart is, well then I guess I am never home- or perhaps even better, I am at home wherever I am...and have been. The truth is, I have not had a whole heart in a very long time- for I leave a small piece in every beautiful country I visit and with every wanting child I meet. I left a piece in the country of Haiti- it was the first time I had left the states, and I fell in love with the land and the people. I remember how my heart skipped a beat when I heard about the heartache and devastation in the January 2010 earthquake, for a piece of me was there…

I left another part on a beautiful mountaintop in Yamaranguila, Honduras. Far away from civilization was that tiny town- and even more perfect, that tiny little girl named Marleta. She sat on my lap for hours as the rest of my team ran a medical clinic. I knew that my job that day was simply to be with her. On the cold rainy morning, I remember how her smile radiated. I still pray for her often and think of her even more, for of course a piece of my heart is there with her.

I piece of my heart was left in arguably the most beautiful place on earth- Ushuaia, Argentina. There I remember hearing about the missionaries who arrived there hundreds of years before, and sitting in a gorgeous field of daisies, I recall God revealing a similar call on my life. I also remember the wonderful friends that I met, and I remember the feelings of sadness when we were leaving, my heart broke, and a piece remained.

If you have known anything about me at all in the past two years, you know of course that a very large piece of this heart still lies in my country- my land- Tanzania. There are 90+ kids that I can’t help but think of daily, and countless others that I love, pray for and miss. In Ntagacha, a very large piece of this heart stays.

If you visit Martinsville, VA a piece of me is there- that is where my fiancé lives and the destination of many a journey south over the past few years. My wonderful new family resides there, and of course, with them is a piece of me.

If you go to Lynchburg a small piece of me will be there. Though not fully established yet, it is where I will begin my first year of married life. I will learn how to be a better RN and wife. I will be taking my final steps of independence. As I grow and learn to love- a piece of my heart will stay.

And finally- here I sit in Chambersburg. I love this town because it is where I grew up. Chambersburg is where I have learned and grown. It is where my passions began to develop, and it is where I grew into the woman I am today. Here a very large piece of my heart lives, because it is where me family is. My parents, sisters, brothers-in law and my two (almost 3) adorable and vivacious nieces- a large, large part is with them. These are the people who have walked alongside me on my journeys, and sometimes in front when I needed them to lead the way. A time or two they have even stepped behind, allowing me to go out alone and find the way myself. They are the ones who taught me what it really means to love.

And so I have learned that if home is where the heart is, then home is wherever I want it to be. For my heart is always beating, always loving and I always find a place to call home.

Fever...

Spring fever, senioritis and I’M GETTING MARRIED…are seeming to be a deadly combo for productivity, but today I can’t help it. I’m just so excited! This delightfully warm weather , isn’t helping either. Just four weeks left of school, I feel like an old lady when I say this, but really, where did the time go! Seems like just yesterday I was sitting alone in my room in my new apartment in Lancaster thinking, “what in the world am I doing.” Since then I have taken hundreds of blood pressures, bathed many a patient, mastered the art of medication administration, learned everything possible about pneumonia, congestive heart failure, and lung cancer and my most current accomplishment to date, survived…more than that….thrived in my trauma and intensive care rotations! I have cried, prayed, learned, and finally conquered the things that have stood in the way of me and my dream of becoming a nurse (well almost…NCLEX is another story). These next two days will be my last clinical days in my pursuit of becoming an RN. I cannot believe it. I cannot believe that I came all the way from that shaking, scared girl trying to listen to my patients heart beat, to the confidant, knowledgeable woman that I was last week administering an insulin drip and suctioning my patient’s endotracheal tube in the Intensive Care Unit. I have come a long way!
Today driving through the city with my windows down, I had a nostalgic moment. I don’t know if it was the warm breeze, or the sounds of construction equipment, but something took me back to Tanzania, driving in the little white truck through Tarime. My heart literally began to ache. I miss it so very much. A piece of my heart is still in that land, and I will miss it dearly until the day that I return! I know that I am supposed to be here. Mwita and I have a wedding to plan for this summer, and it is my decision to work in the states for a year so that I can learn and become the best nurse for those I love in Tanzania, but oh how not being there hurts! I miss the warm breezes, the smell of chai on a chilly evening, the laughter of those beautiful kids! I miss the sound of Swahili smoothly flowing from the people’s lips, I miss that the days don’t fly by, but rather trickle along slowly, allowing one to fully enjoy each moment. My heart is so ready…but my mind is not, and so I stay here and continue to prepare!
And then there is July 30th- that beautiful date that I will forever remember…our WEDDING! I absolutely cannot wait to marry the love of my life. Mwita is the perfect one for me. He is everything that I need…and more. He is my inspiration, my encourager and truly my best friend. I could not ask for a better man to marry. Lately my mind has been dancing with visions of dainty pink flowers, flowing white dresses, ornate invitations, delicate cakes, and all things wedding. My latest google searches have been flower arrangements and wedding cakes, and the only thing on my Pandora stations are love songs and R&B. I’m dreaming of a summer full of planting an herb garden, refurbishing bedroom furniture and picking out curtains, lamps and dishes! But alas- all this must wait, because today is only April 4th and tomorrow I am sure that my patient will greatly appreciate it if I know how to properly titrate Nitro. Tomorrow my instructor will expect a full rundown of why the patient has elevated white blood cells and the readings for Thursdays lecture are not going to automatically pop into my brain, so graduation, Tanzania and wedding are on hold…and now I’m back to the books….

Spring...

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! ~Mark Twain

Isaiah 49:13

Shout out for joy you heavens; rejoice you earth; burst into song you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

Stir Yourself Up...

So often I find myself disillusioned by the world around me and dulled by the often mundane tasks that make up my life right now. I feel busy, busy, busy and my spirit is feeling weary, weary, weary. But this is not how it is supposed to be. I find myself making lists, prioritizing activities and worrying about everything on my to do list from wedding plans, to job searching to figuring out how to survive my upcoming clinical in the IICU.

I have found myself searching for others approval and constant encouragement, but often my search is futile. Others cannot read my mind, they do not know what I need, and really it is not up to them to supply all of my emotional needs. When I was sharing with my mom the other weekend all of the pressures that I feel, and the lack of encouragement I feel I am receiving, in her wisdom, she simply replied, "Monica-stir yourself up." I looked at her for a moment, a little hurt that she did not throw me a pity party, but then relieved because I realized she had given me the best advice I have heard. Take matters into your own hands, control your own fate, make your own choices about your mood and emotions- "stir yourself up."

Though I heard that advice I do not know that I have really put it into action, though. This morning I woke up thinking about my resume and job applications, my group project later on today, the presentation due next week and I began once again to feel dull. And I hate to admit it- but because of my busyness, I have put my God-seeking, self stirring to the bottom of the priority list. The problem is, it should be the top. I almost felt guilty just now as I opened my journal and Bible and began to encourage myself in the Lord. I couldn't stop thinking about my other projects. But the more I sit here and inundate myself in the Word, the more I am refreshed, and encouraged. The more I cannot wait to experience life with those I love, the more I find meaning in the school tasks that will fell up my weak. In other words the more I stir, the more joyful I become, the more productive I am, the more I want to encourage others and the beautiful, lovely cycle continues!!!

So right now I am going to put everything else aside, I am going to pray for those I love in Tanzania, thank my beautiful Lord for all his blessings, and stir myself up in the Word until my heart overflows with joy and I am encouraged. I will take my life into my own hands, control my own fate and choose my emotions. And when I am done- I will stir up someone else, I hope you learn to do the same.

I Timothy 1:6 "For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands."