Mtu ni Watu

"Mtu ni watu" is a Swahili saying that literally states "a person is people." The meaning, though, is that no man is an island, everyone needs the help and company of others.

I love that saying because it ties so much into my passion and mission for life. I want to bring wholeness. Wholeness not only physically in my practice of nursing, but also emotionally and spiritually. I want to be there for my patients, family and friends, to be their "watu".

On my orientation day for my new nursing job, one of the executives came to speak to us. He asked us who was on our "list". Your list is comprised of those people that are your world, your support- those you love more than anything else. We all wrote someone down- husbands, daughters, sisters where named. And then he asked us to stop and remember that every patient we come in contact with is on someone's "list" and if we forget that for even one minute, that is a minute too long. That speech is going to be forever ingrained in my memory, and I plan to keep it as the basis of my practice. Nursing is hard work, 12 hour shifts are long, and seeing ill people day after day can be grueling, but we chose this and we promised to take care of people that are part of someone's "list". We cannot forget, I, for one, will not.

I changed the title of my blog for now- not because my heart no longer beats for Africa- because it surely does, but because for now creating beauty from ashes is my mission. I love that saying- and it is my desire to bring forth beauty where only ashes lay. Nursing is my tool. Bringing forth beauty is my passion. Wholeness is my mission.

I am so excited about starting my first nursing job, and I have chosen Oncology. When people here this they moan and groan..."that will be too hard," "how can you do that," "are you sure that this is for you." I want to tell the world that I am ready, and I am not scared. Oncology is going to be hard, some days I am going to come home and just cry, but it will not all be sad. Some days I am going to see doctors tell patients their cancer is gone, some days I am going to see families hold hands and share their love for one another. Other days I am going to be the only one sitting with a patient as they say goodbye. Some days I will take care of patients as they lose their hair, hear bad news, and decide they cannot go on. Some days the only wholeness I will see is patients leaving this life behind. But I am ready. I did not say it will never be sad. I did not say that some days I will not be overwhelmed. I said I'm ready. I am ready to be a source of joy, peace and comfort. I am ready to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm ready to cry when I need to and laugh with all my heart. I am ready to take on the challenges that this life has for me. I'm ready because I am called, I am chosen, and I have been made for this mission. Beauty from ashes. Wholeness and restoration. Oncology...here I come!

One More Day

This one I must dedicate to the two little girls that bring joy and light to my life, my lovely nieces Natalie and Amirah. Oh how I love being an aunt and how excited I am to meet Baby Lehman #2! They are delighted when I come to visit and absolutely enamored when I bring Mwita along, too! I love watching the concentration on Natalies face, as if playing were as complex as brain surgery. I adore the little squeaky voice that comes from Amirah as she babbles while exploring her world. Their giggles bring delight to my heart, and their smiles create an even bigger one on my face! Oh how I am in love with those two little girls. Pink skirts, baby dolls, and curls!!!

These little girls are the future, they will carry on the legacy of our family. They hold our love, but our hopes and dreams as well! How delighted I am in them, and how thankful I am they will be provided with the love and support they need to grow up strong, wise and beautiful. They are blessed, not only because of the loving parents they were gifted to, but because of the place they have to grow up! I am so thankful when I see how their parents adore them. So hopeful when I see the opportunities they will be afforded! So blessed when I see the books on their bedroom floors, and when I give them a big hug after having a check up with the doctor. I am so in love with these girls!

I feel devastated, though, that not every aunt gets to feel this way. Not every aunt is able to boast about the love and support her nieces and nephews have. Not every aunt gets to watch them come home from the doctor, vaccines given and height and weight checked. Not every aunt gets to pile her nieces on her lap and read them book after book. Not every aunt is as blessed as I.

Last week Mwita and I received some devastating news. A beautiful little friend of ours in Tanzania, about seven years old and bright as can be, will not be able to celebrate his next birthday. I cry for his family, for those that loved him, and thinking of Natalie and Amirah, I cry for his aunts, for they have been as fortunate as I. They will not longer get to watch him run off to school, look into the eyes of his mother as she bursts with pride at her beautiful son. His aunts never had to opportunity that I had to shower him with books, clothes and anything he desired. They did not have the chance to spoil him or to sneak him jelly beans when his mother wasn’t looking. They didn’t have the opportunities that I did, and now they will not. I cry because it is not fair, what if he was here, what if he had the access and opportunity that my nieces have, what if he did- he would probably be here. I cry because I loved his big smile, the dimples that graced his cheeks, and the way he bounded through the field to us to say hello. I miss hearing him scream Mwita’s name as if he were the only other person in the world, I miss that, I have missed that this last year, and I miss that I won’t get to hear that again. I miss him. I miss all that he loved, and I hate the fact that he is gone.

I’m tired of hearing about our economy, about how things “used to be.” And about how, if we just had a little more. We live in warm homes, eat plenty of food, and can buy something to treat a fever right across the road. We are BLESSED!!!! Oh how we are blessed…Please hear my heart, I am not writing to be critical, for I know for many of us, things are tough. But I write to inspire us to see the good we have around us! I’m thankful for the library that Amirah frequents that is right down the road. I am thankful for the cupboard that is stocked with Children’s Tylenol in Natalie’s house. I am thankful for the doctor that gives them the shots they need! If nothing else, may we look at the beautiful children in our lives, as they run and jump and play and thank God for giving them one more day. I’m going to give Natalie and Amirah an extra long hug the next time I see them! I am delighted to be their aunt, delighted by the opportunities they have and delighted that they are growing strong, wise and beautiful. Thank you, God, for one more day.

If home is where the heart is...

If home is where the heart is, well then I guess I am never home- or perhaps even better, I am at home wherever I am...and have been. The truth is, I have not had a whole heart in a very long time- for I leave a small piece in every beautiful country I visit and with every wanting child I meet. I left a piece in the country of Haiti- it was the first time I had left the states, and I fell in love with the land and the people. I remember how my heart skipped a beat when I heard about the heartache and devastation in the January 2010 earthquake, for a piece of me was there…

I left another part on a beautiful mountaintop in Yamaranguila, Honduras. Far away from civilization was that tiny town- and even more perfect, that tiny little girl named Marleta. She sat on my lap for hours as the rest of my team ran a medical clinic. I knew that my job that day was simply to be with her. On the cold rainy morning, I remember how her smile radiated. I still pray for her often and think of her even more, for of course a piece of my heart is there with her.

I piece of my heart was left in arguably the most beautiful place on earth- Ushuaia, Argentina. There I remember hearing about the missionaries who arrived there hundreds of years before, and sitting in a gorgeous field of daisies, I recall God revealing a similar call on my life. I also remember the wonderful friends that I met, and I remember the feelings of sadness when we were leaving, my heart broke, and a piece remained.

If you have known anything about me at all in the past two years, you know of course that a very large piece of this heart still lies in my country- my land- Tanzania. There are 90+ kids that I can’t help but think of daily, and countless others that I love, pray for and miss. In Ntagacha, a very large piece of this heart stays.

If you visit Martinsville, VA a piece of me is there- that is where my fiancé lives and the destination of many a journey south over the past few years. My wonderful new family resides there, and of course, with them is a piece of me.

If you go to Lynchburg a small piece of me will be there. Though not fully established yet, it is where I will begin my first year of married life. I will learn how to be a better RN and wife. I will be taking my final steps of independence. As I grow and learn to love- a piece of my heart will stay.

And finally- here I sit in Chambersburg. I love this town because it is where I grew up. Chambersburg is where I have learned and grown. It is where my passions began to develop, and it is where I grew into the woman I am today. Here a very large piece of my heart lives, because it is where me family is. My parents, sisters, brothers-in law and my two (almost 3) adorable and vivacious nieces- a large, large part is with them. These are the people who have walked alongside me on my journeys, and sometimes in front when I needed them to lead the way. A time or two they have even stepped behind, allowing me to go out alone and find the way myself. They are the ones who taught me what it really means to love.

And so I have learned that if home is where the heart is, then home is wherever I want it to be. For my heart is always beating, always loving and I always find a place to call home.

Fever...

Spring fever, senioritis and I’M GETTING MARRIED…are seeming to be a deadly combo for productivity, but today I can’t help it. I’m just so excited! This delightfully warm weather , isn’t helping either. Just four weeks left of school, I feel like an old lady when I say this, but really, where did the time go! Seems like just yesterday I was sitting alone in my room in my new apartment in Lancaster thinking, “what in the world am I doing.” Since then I have taken hundreds of blood pressures, bathed many a patient, mastered the art of medication administration, learned everything possible about pneumonia, congestive heart failure, and lung cancer and my most current accomplishment to date, survived…more than that….thrived in my trauma and intensive care rotations! I have cried, prayed, learned, and finally conquered the things that have stood in the way of me and my dream of becoming a nurse (well almost…NCLEX is another story). These next two days will be my last clinical days in my pursuit of becoming an RN. I cannot believe it. I cannot believe that I came all the way from that shaking, scared girl trying to listen to my patients heart beat, to the confidant, knowledgeable woman that I was last week administering an insulin drip and suctioning my patient’s endotracheal tube in the Intensive Care Unit. I have come a long way!
Today driving through the city with my windows down, I had a nostalgic moment. I don’t know if it was the warm breeze, or the sounds of construction equipment, but something took me back to Tanzania, driving in the little white truck through Tarime. My heart literally began to ache. I miss it so very much. A piece of my heart is still in that land, and I will miss it dearly until the day that I return! I know that I am supposed to be here. Mwita and I have a wedding to plan for this summer, and it is my decision to work in the states for a year so that I can learn and become the best nurse for those I love in Tanzania, but oh how not being there hurts! I miss the warm breezes, the smell of chai on a chilly evening, the laughter of those beautiful kids! I miss the sound of Swahili smoothly flowing from the people’s lips, I miss that the days don’t fly by, but rather trickle along slowly, allowing one to fully enjoy each moment. My heart is so ready…but my mind is not, and so I stay here and continue to prepare!
And then there is July 30th- that beautiful date that I will forever remember…our WEDDING! I absolutely cannot wait to marry the love of my life. Mwita is the perfect one for me. He is everything that I need…and more. He is my inspiration, my encourager and truly my best friend. I could not ask for a better man to marry. Lately my mind has been dancing with visions of dainty pink flowers, flowing white dresses, ornate invitations, delicate cakes, and all things wedding. My latest google searches have been flower arrangements and wedding cakes, and the only thing on my Pandora stations are love songs and R&B. I’m dreaming of a summer full of planting an herb garden, refurbishing bedroom furniture and picking out curtains, lamps and dishes! But alas- all this must wait, because today is only April 4th and tomorrow I am sure that my patient will greatly appreciate it if I know how to properly titrate Nitro. Tomorrow my instructor will expect a full rundown of why the patient has elevated white blood cells and the readings for Thursdays lecture are not going to automatically pop into my brain, so graduation, Tanzania and wedding are on hold…and now I’m back to the books….

Spring...

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! ~Mark Twain

Isaiah 49:13

Shout out for joy you heavens; rejoice you earth; burst into song you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

Stir Yourself Up...

So often I find myself disillusioned by the world around me and dulled by the often mundane tasks that make up my life right now. I feel busy, busy, busy and my spirit is feeling weary, weary, weary. But this is not how it is supposed to be. I find myself making lists, prioritizing activities and worrying about everything on my to do list from wedding plans, to job searching to figuring out how to survive my upcoming clinical in the IICU.

I have found myself searching for others approval and constant encouragement, but often my search is futile. Others cannot read my mind, they do not know what I need, and really it is not up to them to supply all of my emotional needs. When I was sharing with my mom the other weekend all of the pressures that I feel, and the lack of encouragement I feel I am receiving, in her wisdom, she simply replied, "Monica-stir yourself up." I looked at her for a moment, a little hurt that she did not throw me a pity party, but then relieved because I realized she had given me the best advice I have heard. Take matters into your own hands, control your own fate, make your own choices about your mood and emotions- "stir yourself up."

Though I heard that advice I do not know that I have really put it into action, though. This morning I woke up thinking about my resume and job applications, my group project later on today, the presentation due next week and I began once again to feel dull. And I hate to admit it- but because of my busyness, I have put my God-seeking, self stirring to the bottom of the priority list. The problem is, it should be the top. I almost felt guilty just now as I opened my journal and Bible and began to encourage myself in the Lord. I couldn't stop thinking about my other projects. But the more I sit here and inundate myself in the Word, the more I am refreshed, and encouraged. The more I cannot wait to experience life with those I love, the more I find meaning in the school tasks that will fell up my weak. In other words the more I stir, the more joyful I become, the more productive I am, the more I want to encourage others and the beautiful, lovely cycle continues!!!

So right now I am going to put everything else aside, I am going to pray for those I love in Tanzania, thank my beautiful Lord for all his blessings, and stir myself up in the Word until my heart overflows with joy and I am encouraged. I will take my life into my own hands, control my own fate and choose my emotions. And when I am done- I will stir up someone else, I hope you learn to do the same.

I Timothy 1:6 "For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands."