I love how marriage has taught me so many lessons and has brought a magnifying glass into my life. I am thankful for a husband that loves me for who I am, but also helps me see the things within myself that need changing. This past week he taught me a great lesson…trust.
I am naturally a compassionate person, I see hurt or need and I automatically want to rush into the situation and fix everything and heal everyone, thought that makes me a good nurse, it often makes me an overwhelmed person when I look at all the need in the world. And it hurts most when it hits close to home.
Over the past several months I have watched many people that I love and cherish go through difficult situations. It is my natural desire to what to fix the problem, change the situation- step in and intervene, but along with this feelings of take over, I have also felt overwhelmed. I was sharing this with Mwita almost in tears with the utter helplessness I was feeling. He just looked at me and said, “Monica, you have to trust them.” I stared back at him. There was not 5 step solution, no lengthy plan, just a few simple words. It was a revolutionary thought. Trust. Trust that they have a plan, trust that they will be ok, trust that they are in good Hands. Trust.
These few words also hit me hard though. I realized that sometimes my desire to help and intervene, though made with good intentions, was not always about compassion, but about control. I caught a glipse of so many areas of my life. When plans changed and I am SO disappointed- control. When I have to work on a group project and rely on others- control. When Mwita is the one to make the plans and I have to know every detail- control. When God leads me in one direction and I prefer the other- control. All my life my desire for control has been sabotaging my ability to trust, and it has been disguising itself all along.
The word trust has been constantly on my mind since that day, for years I have allowed my need for control to dictate myself, my relationship and my oneness with God. I have allowed it to take over and remove my ability to trust.
I think that this area has become an epidemic in our society. We are taught to be so independent, so able to fight our all of the battles and control our own lives and in the mean time, we forget that others are capable too. This has impacted our relationships with others and our ability to rely on the only One that really has things under control. We try to control everyone else and every other situation, but don't allow others to help us...because we want the power.
This year I am going to make a journey toward trust. Trust in other people. Not that I am going to forget those around me that are in need, but in a way that I would gladly help where I can, but without trying to take control of the situation. I am also in a journey to trust in God. I long for a trust that I can know without a shadow of a doubt that He truly is in control and has our best in mind. I long to be at the place where I can rest in the fact that ultimately I, and those I love are in His hands and He has a plan. I know it in my head, but I am longing for it to sink into my heart. I trust that it will.
This is my open heart to you all, my admittance that I am certainly not perfect, and my challenge to you all to join me on my journey towards trust.
I know it will revolutionize my marriage, my relationships and my faith in God.
Isaiah 26:4 Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.
